i injured my left eye lately, about 10 days ago. in a competitive captain ball game, where its intensive is reaching to the climax of the day. when everyone is working their socks off to win the game. a game in TTC is never relax, it is either all or nothing attitude. i guess it is not just in TTC, you can get the all or nothing attitude, but i believe it is the culture of Singapore that have made us into what we are, a nation without resources but yet with great influence.
all these are driven by the word, "passion" or crudely, "competitiveness." Is there such a word, "spiritual competitiveness?" i wonder. we are living in a world of competitiveness, yet spiritually, we also want to compete! How human am i! I want to be better than you in terms of grade, in terms of spiritually, even in terms of our daily walk with God, we also can compare! Sigh!
the redness in my left eye cause me to go to the doctor, then later in the night, i went to SGH, A&E, to the eye specialist, realized that there are potential internal blood clouding together at the lower half of my eye. I was fearful, i was afraid to show my emotions to the very person who are looking after me, i do not want to know that i am very fearful. I withdraw my tears despite of an eye that is bounded to tear due to the pain. In the game, I got the ball, but my friend got my eyeball with his finger.
I do not blame him, it is bounded to happen something like that in the name of competitiveness. it is just like an ankle injure in a basketball game where you step on someone's feet. the game is fair, and no one to blame, but to ask God, why?!
before going to the GP after the game, i went for a bathe, at the bathe, my heart is crying out loud that i cannot differentiate the running water and my tears, as tears came running down silently. biting hard on the bullet and move on was never an easy task, to know that i need to see the GP, was a very fearful thing, to hear from the doctor that my left eye could potentially go blind. My heart, my heart was beating at such a speed when i was bathing, many scenarios came into my mind. Many "what if!"
How would i react to the doctor's observance? at that point in time, my heart cannot bear to surrender to the Sovereignty will of God, even though it meant for me to be blind one eye. the primary question still remains, Will I still serve God despite of what has happened? I do not dare to answer this simple yet challenge all my beliefs about God question.
it was a long bathe then. A long bathe to me at least...In my heart, i wonder what is Paul's thorn in the flesh, some scholars says that it is failing eyesight or lose of a eye. surely, i am not Paul. but i wonder it was that bad for Paul, that he pleading the Lord three times to take it away, but the Lord says, "My grace is sufficient for you." I wonder who drives him to continue to be faithful to the Lord even at that point of time. To plead with someone on three occasions was impressive, but to be rejected three times and yet follow the Lord's Lordship and Kingship and trust in his Sovereignty, this is humility, this is faith, this is passion.
continue to trust in the faithfulness of God despite of the circumstances was never easy. for me, at that junction, i am committed not to make my peers stressful over my situation, i do not even want them to worry. I went on and says, it is ok, nothing will happen to me, but deep down in my heart, i question, why Lord, why Lord! i wonder what it is like for Job, to suffer for no reason except that the Lord permits it.
Will i curse God and die as how Job's wife suggests? Or to thank God for another opportunity to testify of his grace?
How about you?
